


Sorted

by FayJay



Category: Leverage
Genre: Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-19
Updated: 2009-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-02 11:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayJay/pseuds/FayJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hardison, bless his geeky wee heart, ponders which Hogwarts House each of the team would be sorted into. Eliot just wants his damn headset fixed. (Dialogue-only)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sorted

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the cliche_bingo challenge: "Courting Rituals"

"Gryffindor."

"Say what?"

"You. Gryffindor. With the chess-playing, and that whole crazy reckless run-headlong-into-war-zones thing. Gryffindor, definitely."

"Is this supposed to mean something to me?"

"Oh come _on_! Everybody's read Harry Potter!"

"..."

"Or seen the movies? I _know_ you've seen the movies. Got to be living on Mars to not see any of the movies."

"I've not seen any of the movies, Hardison."

"You were on Mars?"

"Is this helping you fix my headset?"

"I'm just making conversation! While fixing your headset! I can multi-task! I am a multi-tasker!"

"Well - don't. Just fix the damned handset already."

"What you gonna do - hit me with your ninja moves, Eliot? Good luck getting the damned headset to work then!"

"You are testing my patience."

"Oh, no, come on - I know you love it really."

"See my face?"

"Yeah?"

"This is not my I-love-it face."

"..."

"_This_ is my I-love-it face. See the difference?"

"...not so much, actually. It's like, one was grumpy, and one was surly. You know, Surly - the eighth dwarf, the one that left just before the other seven got famous."

"Just fix the headset."

"Now you're hurting my feelings, with all this surliness. I don't feel appreciated. I am a sensitive individual, and it's hard to concentrate on a delicate task like this when you're feeling all unappreciated."

"Fine. Fix the goddamn headset _please_."

"See, that wasn't so hard! You just turned my frown upside down! I'm feeling all motivated again!"

"..."

"Sophie, now - classic, old-skool Slytherin. She'd have joined the Deatheaters _like that_."

"You keep on talking, but all I'm hearing is: 'blah blah blah I'm an enormous geek blah blah blah.'"

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"

"..."

"Nate, now - Nate's a tricky one. Back in the day, I would've said Gryffindor for sure, all the way - Boy Scout with a hero complex, y'know? And he's still that way, but he's also a lot _sneakier_ than I'd figured. I'm thinking I had him wrong all along. I want to say Slytherin, because that's a metric butt load of sneaky he's got going on. But then other days I think, well, he's all about the loyalty, isn't he? That's his thing – devoted father, devoted husband, devoted drinker – so maybe Hufflepuff playing at being a Slytherin? A Slytherpuff? Or maybe he's a Gryffindor playing at being a Slytherin? A Gryfferin?”

“Still not seeing a working headset here, Hardison.”

“I'm getting there! Sheesh! This kind of job takes time! Do you know how many people there are on the planet who could even identify these components, let alone manipulate them in just the right way? I'll tell you how many: one. Just one. And you're looking at him. If I charged by the minute, you'd be bankrupt.”

“...”

“I'm just saying.”

“Fine. Just – make it work, okay? I need it to work.”

“Nag, nag, nag. God, it's like having a wife, without all the hot sex and delicious cooking.”

“I can cook. I'm a very good cook, in fact.”

“With the little squeeze of lemon – yeah, I remember. Death-by-appetiser. And yet you never cook for me, do you? You're always off cooking for some other person. I just get the nagging.”

“You want me to cook for you? Fine. Fine, I'll cook for you. Just fix the damned headset before I die of old age, and I'll celebrate by cooking something.”

“...you're kidding, right?”

“I said it, didn't I? It's no big deal.”

“Huh. You gonna start offering me hot sex too, if I stick around long enough?”

“It's a good headset, but it's not _that_ good.”

“Don't listen to him, baby! You are cutting edge! You are state-of-the-art!”

“...”

“...”

So what about you, then? Gryffindor?”

“Ha _ha!_ Did I just hear you embracing the geeky side of The Force there, Eliot?”

“No! Jesus! Just passing time. Not like I know what the hell you're talking about, so I don't know why I'm bothering to indulge you like this.”

“Ravenclaw, since you ask. Like my girl Luna. 'Cause I am _the brains_ of this outfit.”

“Don't let Nate hear you say that.”

“Nate Schmate. You guys would all be screwed without my technical wizardry, and you know it.”

“Don't flatter yourself. You nearly done?”

“Patience, grasshopper.”

“...”

“You didn't ask about Parker.”

“That's because I don't give a rat's ass which Hogwarts House you think any of would be sorted into! Jeez!”

“...which Hogwarts...now just one minute. I do _not_ believe I mentioned anything about Hogwarts, or said the word 'House', _or_ mentioned the Sorting Hat. No, I'm pretty sure I didn't. There something you want to share with the class, Eliot?”

“...fuck.”

“Oh, you are _so_ busted, Mr High-and-Mighty-Too-Busy-Saving-Third-World-Countries-To-Read-A-Kids'-Book!”

“Shut up.”

“No, no, this is great – I've got to tell Sophie, she'll laugh her ass off. She'll think it's adorable. You're _adorable,_ Eliot.”

“I can break you into many, many small pieces, Hardison. Many. And I don't need no magic wand to do it.”

“Adorable!”

“Can you just maybe please concentrate on _fixing my goddamn headset_?”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...oh, fine. Fine. I give in. Which House would Parker be sorted into?”

“...”

“Do not _look_ at me like that, Hardison!”

”Adorable.”

“Hardison!”

“Okay, well – it's a good question. At first I thought Slytherin, because she's real focussed, is Parker, real goal-orientated. But she's not so much of a long-term-strategy kinda girl. And also, she's kind of a big old marshmallow deep down – I just don't think she's ruthless enough for Slytherin.”

“She killed her own parents!”

“...well, yeah, okay, there is that. Yeah. But I was thinking maybe Ravenclaw, like my girl Luna and me. I mean, you should have seen her at that orphanage, man! We had a moment. It was real touching. I was touched. I mean not _touched_ touched – nothing sleazy or nothing, don't get me wrong. Just – sweet, you know? She can be very sweet.”

“Sweet? Parker? Hell, I bet even Voldemort had his lighter moments. Probably helped little old ladies across the road in his spare time, or something. But still: parents? _Dead._”

“You make a compelling point.”

“Slytherin. Definitely Slytherin.”

“Hmm.”

“You nearly done?”

“What? Oh – nah, there's still the whozit and the thingamujig to reconfigure.”

“...you fixed it already, didn't you?”

“Um. Well. Kinda, yeah.”

“When?”

“'Bout thirty seconds after you handed it to me.”

“What the...why do you _always _ do this? It pisses me off, man!”

“Bullshit. You were enjoying yourself, and you know you were. You were embracing your Inner Geek. Don't be ashamed! Let your freak flag fly!”

“You are...you...my God, you're annoying!”

“And you're _adorable_.”

“Don't use that word.”

“Or what?”

“...”

“Is that your scary face? Is that your I'm-gonna-whoop-your-ass-Hardison face? 'Cause I've got to tell you – it's adorable.”

“Hardison.”

“Oh, what you gonna do to me? You gonna kick my ass? Man, you can't even _reach_ my ass from down there! You gonna....mmmph!”

“...”

“...”

“I'm gonna do _that_.”

“...”

“Was that adorable enough for you, Hardison? Was it?”

“...You...I...well for the love of..._mmmph!_”

“...”

“...”

“And you're wrong, by the way. I'd be in Slytherin. I'm an excellent strategist.”

“I don't know, dude. I think you might have got Godrick Gryffindor's sword in your pocket. You think we should check, just to be sure?”

“I think that's the best idea you've had all day.”

“What did I tell you? I'm the brains of the outfit.”

“...”

“...oh! Hey, you're still cooking me dinner, right?”

“I don't know, Hardison. I'm feeling all unappreciated right now. I think I might need a little motivation.”

“See, this is what I'm talking about. Nag, nag, nag. You better be a damn good cook, mister.”

“Anybody ever tell you you talk too much?”

“Well, there was this one guy, this tiny, surly little ninja warrior type, and he..._mmmmph!_”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...definitely Gryffindor.”

“...”

“...”

“Dude, I'll cook you breakfast, lunch and dinner if you just keep – right – on – doing – that!”

“Now _that's_ what I call a happy face!”

 

FINIS


End file.
